August in the U.K. is not like August in other countries, like for example Spain or Italy or Greece or anywhere else people go to find the sunshine and relax on beaches. Yesterday we had summer, today it’s almost like winter again, it has been a delight for anyone who studies different types of rain 🌧. It’s advantages are I’ve been able to stay in and do my journalling and painting.
Perhaps because of the dull weather, my writing this morning was fairly serious in tone. I found myself reflecting on my life with ME/cfs and actually asking ‘would my life actually be much different if I didn’t have it?’ Which is a pretty cruel question really, it’s difficult to acknowledge to yourself that your illness may be a handy excuse for things you’re not happy about in your life. The thing is there’s no way of knowing. The alternative future that could have been laid out in front of me four years ago, the one where I didn’t get ill, is not possible to see. I then launched into a review of what was happening in my life in the run up to getting shingles four years ago, which is the turning point from which my health hasn’t yet properly recovered. And the truth is I wasn’t doing too well in general, with hindsight I had all the symptoms of adrenal fatigue, I was desperately trying to convince myself and possibly others that I wasn’t depressed, I had a job in which I put the needs of others before myself constantly, almost as a matter of pride and professionalism, whilst simultaneously feeling under appreciated and annoyed with my own failure to have a different (better career). Anxiety has been my companion my whole life, and I had been living in a situation in a flat where I became paranoid about noise from neighbours, and was therefore living in a constant state of anxiety where I didn’t ever feel ‘safe’ at home. Although I had moved from there a year or two before I got ill, all of this had an accumulative effect. I can’t help thinking I was heading for burnout of some sort, stumbling blindly towards the inevitable. I was always trying to do the best I could and yet I had the underlying feeling that I was somehow failing at life, getting life wrong, and this is something that returns to my consciousness sometimes.
Since being ill, and at the point where I realised I was really unwell and I couldn’t keep trying to ignore it and pretend I was fine, mainly because I was barely functioning, I have been doing everything I can to regain my health. The thing about this illness is it forces you to stop, to slow down, because it punishes you if you don’t. You have to re-evaluate your approach to things to survive it. I have learned so much in the last four years that I probably wouldn’t have discovered otherwise, about an illness I’d barely heard of, what it’s like to have an invisible disability, acupuncture, reflexology, what a chiropractor does, nutrition, toxins in the environment, chemical free cosmetics and cleaning products, meditation, heated eye pillows, pacing, the list goes on. I also realised a lot about myself and as I started to regain some energy, I realised how important it is for me personally to be creative. I also found out how much I value my intellect and see it as part of my identity. This may sound odd, but chronic fatigue affects your ability to think and to concentrate. When you can’t think or form sentences or remember words or when you are so fatigued you can hear sentences in your head but don’t have the energy to say them out loud, then your ability to express what is uniquely you, is extremely impaired. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m undertaking this project, because for me, this really is a creative recovery.
Today’s paintings conversely are very bright and bold. I worked simultaneously on both pages today and both sides are very similar. I started by squeezing paint directly onto the centre of each page and moving it around with my favourite large flat brush. I built up the rest of the painting gradually choosing colours as they seemed right. I also blended different shades of the same colours together, sometimes mixing them beforehand and sometimes mixing them on the page. See image below.
For information about M.E./Chronic Fatigue syndrome, here are some links,
ME Association https://www.meassociation.org.uk/about-what-is-mecfs/
Action for ME https://www.actionforme.org.uk/what-is-me/introduction/
ME Action https://www.meaction.net/
You might also want to look at The Optimal Health Clinic which is a private clinic with a unique approach to the illness https://www.theoptimumhealthclinic.com/
Perhaps because of the dull weather, my writing this morning was fairly serious in tone. I found myself reflecting on my life with ME/cfs and actually asking ‘would my life actually be much different if I didn’t have it?’ Which is a pretty cruel question really, it’s difficult to acknowledge to yourself that your illness may be a handy excuse for things you’re not happy about in your life. The thing is there’s no way of knowing. The alternative future that could have been laid out in front of me four years ago, the one where I didn’t get ill, is not possible to see. I then launched into a review of what was happening in my life in the run up to getting shingles four years ago, which is the turning point from which my health hasn’t yet properly recovered. And the truth is I wasn’t doing too well in general, with hindsight I had all the symptoms of adrenal fatigue, I was desperately trying to convince myself and possibly others that I wasn’t depressed, I had a job in which I put the needs of others before myself constantly, almost as a matter of pride and professionalism, whilst simultaneously feeling under appreciated and annoyed with my own failure to have a different (better career). Anxiety has been my companion my whole life, and I had been living in a situation in a flat where I became paranoid about noise from neighbours, and was therefore living in a constant state of anxiety where I didn’t ever feel ‘safe’ at home. Although I had moved from there a year or two before I got ill, all of this had an accumulative effect. I can’t help thinking I was heading for burnout of some sort, stumbling blindly towards the inevitable. I was always trying to do the best I could and yet I had the underlying feeling that I was somehow failing at life, getting life wrong, and this is something that returns to my consciousness sometimes.
Since being ill, and at the point where I realised I was really unwell and I couldn’t keep trying to ignore it and pretend I was fine, mainly because I was barely functioning, I have been doing everything I can to regain my health. The thing about this illness is it forces you to stop, to slow down, because it punishes you if you don’t. You have to re-evaluate your approach to things to survive it. I have learned so much in the last four years that I probably wouldn’t have discovered otherwise, about an illness I’d barely heard of, what it’s like to have an invisible disability, acupuncture, reflexology, what a chiropractor does, nutrition, toxins in the environment, chemical free cosmetics and cleaning products, meditation, heated eye pillows, pacing, the list goes on. I also realised a lot about myself and as I started to regain some energy, I realised how important it is for me personally to be creative. I also found out how much I value my intellect and see it as part of my identity. This may sound odd, but chronic fatigue affects your ability to think and to concentrate. When you can’t think or form sentences or remember words or when you are so fatigued you can hear sentences in your head but don’t have the energy to say them out loud, then your ability to express what is uniquely you, is extremely impaired. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m undertaking this project, because for me, this really is a creative recovery.
Today’s paintings conversely are very bright and bold. I worked simultaneously on both pages today and both sides are very similar. I started by squeezing paint directly onto the centre of each page and moving it around with my favourite large flat brush. I built up the rest of the painting gradually choosing colours as they seemed right. I also blended different shades of the same colours together, sometimes mixing them beforehand and sometimes mixing them on the page. See image below.
For information about M.E./Chronic Fatigue syndrome, here are some links,
ME Association https://www.meassociation.org.uk/about-what-is-mecfs/
Action for ME https://www.actionforme.org.uk/what-is-me/introduction/
ME Action https://www.meaction.net/
You might also want to look at The Optimal Health Clinic which is a private clinic with a unique approach to the illness https://www.theoptimumhealthclinic.com/
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