Why My Soul Creates

Why does my soul create?

I don’t know why, it just does, and it seems that it has to. It’s taken me a long time to realise that. I’ve always wanted to create. As a child I would be painting and gluing and sewing. Aged nine I declared I wanted to go to Art School; I didn’t even know what this was, but perhaps it seemed like a good option when once ballerina wasn’t going to be a likely career (still sad). So anyway... I continued with Art and Design through school and degree level with it’s shares of highs and lows. A career in the Art and Design world however didn’t just happen the way I thought it would, but then neither has much in my life really. I developed something of a love hate relationship with my own creativity and creative practice and ambitions. On the one hand maintaining that creating was what I wanted to do, but so many times finding myself blocked, frustrated, lacking in confidence and conviction. Feeling like a failure.

Exploring creativity
Being a Gemini (well that’s as good a reason as any) I’ve always tried to work things out intellectually. Through a combined process of study, reading, occasionally talking, mostly  overthinking and the odd sudden moment of understanding; I've tried to navigate my way through issues and interests that have come up for me in my life. I found the more logical explanations of creativity rather dull, disheartening and confusing. Looking at creativity as a process of problem solving, only valuable if the solution is found, leaves me wanting. Yes some theories do allow for intuition in that process, but to me that way of looking at it is not the whole picture. I realised really they were talking about a different thing to me, those theories rarely account for the need for self expression, for communicating something on a deeper level, for the expression of the soul and the emotion. 

My relationship with my own creativity started to change when I did a short course in Art Therapy; so many interesting things to explore there with links to psychology, spirituality, the healing process and therapeutic aspect of just creating. Creating with no purpose other than to create, to express, to connect with something internal and let it manifest as art. It was such a relief to know that I could just create and actually the purpose of the object or image created was not important, it didn’t have to be anything, no one had to want to buy it, it didn’t have to be aesthetically pleasing, follow the latest trends, have a deep yet possibly not very obvious meaning, I could just paint, or draw or print or make stuff, just because I wanted to.  It was a huge shift in my thinking and feeling towards my relationship with my own creative practice.

And then I got sick...
For the last three or so years I've been learning to cope with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). I couldn’t create for a long time when I was really unwell; for a while just basic everyday tasks were exhausting. As I got a bit better I was able to start to paint and draw and play about with images, even if just for a few minutes at a time, and this time I tried to see it as therapy, as something that was helping me to get well. This is an ongoing process and there are still some residual messed up feelings about my creative practice, I recently went about 6 or 7 weeks without doing any of my art, design or textile work. My health and energy are fluctuating. But I feel different towards it. I realise that I need to create, and be creative, sometimes this is with art stuff, sometimes it’s writing, sometimes it’s gardening, but it’s in my soul and when I ignore it, it’s me that suffers mentally, emotionally and I think, spiritually.

What is my soul?
I’m not really sure what a soul is, but for the purpose of defining my terms,  I think it’s something like the innate energy at the core of us. The knowledge and intuition that we so often ignore. The feelings we brush aside because logically they don’t make sense. The ‘true’ self, the essence of spirit within, the authentic understanding of who you are. Although understanding is possibly a too logical word, too related to the intellect. The soul is a knowing that’s always there within yet so hard to find and connect to and hear it’s messages. We aren’t good at the intangible, the ethereal, the airy fairy. So we push it aside so often, ignore it’s want, needs, longings, wisdom and in my experience end up lost, confused, stuck, unhappy maybe even ill.

Why my soul creates?
I needed a space to express my thoughts, share my insights, talk about what goes on in my brain and my attempts to understand, access and appease my soul, creativity and intellect. A place to voice my take on things, share information or ideas I find interesting or helpful, find my voice and hopefully some value in sharing it.

work in progress