So what’s the problem?
I often find myself complaining just to make conversation, maybe it’s a British thing, moaning about things is sort of our cultural small talk, 'isn't this terrible weather' for example is a common conversation filler. Most of us are prone to a bit of complaining, whether its about work, politics, football, the neighbours or whatever has caused us an issue today. We all need to let off a bit of steam right; so where's the harm?
As humans we tend to be wired to focus on and obsess over the negatives in life, things that go wrong, went wrong, could go wrong. This I think is to do with how we are built to seek out threats and danger. But it can make for not so happy people. If you are a follower of the our thoughts are our feelings are our behaviours school of thought (see Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT), then a lot of negative thinking can cause us some serious issues. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and self-confidence, can stem from our negative self-talk and stunt our opportunities and have a negative impact on our lives. So the obvious thing to do is to challenge those negative thoughts, list the positives, focus on the positives, look for the positives. Count your blessings. Look on the bright side.
Negativity has its place
Don’t get me wrong, we should challenge those negative unhelpful wrong thoughts that get in our way, hold us up and mess up our lives. But feelings and emotions have a purpose, if you’re feeling down, surely it’s useful to ask yourself why. Find the root of the problem, rather than trying to ignore those feelings, block them out, replace them with some sunshiny thoughts. We have become so uncomfortable with any sort of unease and discomfort that we rush to push it away, both in ourselves and in others. You may be sad for a reason, you might have a really good reason to be angry or annoyed about something. Even if it’s not a ‘ good’ reason it's still a reason. Maybe you are going through a really tough time, maybe something awful has happened to you, maybe something offends your sense of justice, maybe you feel bad about the state of the world. If we don’t look at why, don’t reflect, then we deny ourselves the opportunity to process, and act on that information.
Negative thoughts and feelings have a purpose
Everyone’s favourite business strategy (the only one we know so it’s applied to everything) the SWOT analysis looks at Strengths and Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It may make you feel better to only look at the strengths and opportunities in your life, but if we don’t also acknowledge the threats and weaknesses, we could find ourselves unprepared to navigate life’s difficulties. Acknowledging the threats and weaknesses is not about being negative, it’s about seeing the bigger picture and allowing issues to be dealt with and planning for a more successful future to take place. The majority of us are actually more likely to be more acutely aware of the negatives in our lives, so this is really a question of balance. Negative feelings are often our internal way of knowing that something is wrong, it makes sense to ask what are they trying to tell us.
When the positive turns negative
I started thinking about this after a couple of conversations I had. Two different young people who were struggling with the concept and expectation of being more positive. One was struggling with his motivation and feeling low and I assume anxious about things in general, although we could put together a list of positive things in his life, a list that certainly would look good on paper, this hadn’t made him feel better. Instead he felt guilty because that list didn’t make him feel any different and thus contributed to how bad he was feeling in general.
The other person felt under pressure from friends to ‘be more positive’. The message she was internalising from this was 'there is something wrong with me, I am unacceptable as I am unless I can be and appear positive and happy'. Again the result of this was she felt much worse about herself because being more positive represented an almost impossible challenge to her, one that she would inevitably fail at and therefore lose her friends and social life. Maybe the friends were trying to help, I don’t know, or maybe they were being ‘positivity bullies’.
Law of attraction stuff
I think most of us are familiar with the idea that to attract good things into our lives we need to think positively. I’m sure I’m oversimplifying this, but this in essence is the law of attraction. This seems on the face of it a nice, and potentially helpful way of looking at things. It is certainly true that thinking and therefore feeling more positively can make us more motivated to try for things and to seek out and recognise opportunities. Positive thoughts and feelings can raise our energies and make us feel more able to achieve things as well as lifting our confidence to do so. This is the good stuff. What worries me is the opposite of that; if we believe that negative thinking and feelings will attract more negative things into our lives. Not only is that a fear provoking thought for anyone struggling with low mood and negative thoughts, but it seems to lead towards the logical conclusions that we create the bad stuff in our lives ourselves. Now to me, this seems akin to victim blaming and surely leads to a lack of empathy, compassion and understanding for anyone going through difficult circumstances.
Positivity with balance
I don’t claim to have all the answers to this, but here’s me attempting some. On a bad day, I find it helpful to remind myself of the positives in my life and achievements I’ve made, even the very small ones, they all count. Sometimes it does help to look on the bright side, to see the positive, the good stuff, to connect to the joy and sense of wonder that exists within ourselves and outside in the world. It raises our energy and reminds us that there is more to life than just bad stuff. It is completely valid and useful for us to acknowledge and accept the positive things in our lives. Often this is something we overlook or we downplay, especially when it comes to our own achievements and abilities. It is extremely important to challenge our negative and wrong thinking and to work on replacing it with positive and more accurate thoughts and beliefs. What we must be wary of is making positivity another unobtainable lifestyle goal or something we metaphorically beat ourselves or others up over. Being positive should not become the only acceptable face we show to the world or negative thoughts and feelings become our hidden shame.
We can’t expect to decide to be more positive, or to tell someone else to be, and expect it to just happen. It takes work, commitment and consistency to address and challenge our negative thinking and programming. Sometimes it is situations, environments or relationships that we are in that are negative, that need unpicking and changing. Perhaps we also need to question what it is we value in life and how that corresponds to our wants and needs.
I think acknowledging the positives in our lives is more nourishing and ultimately more helpful if we can also connect it with a wider sense of gratitude and appreciation.
The idea of positivity and being more positive needs to be approached with balance, empathy and compassion, for ourselves and others. Being more positive is a process that we go through, not an end result.
Comments
Post a Comment