Today didn’t start that well with one of the neighbours choosing today to knock down their garage. I had the best view of the process from my bedroom window. Probably don’t need to say, it was noisy. Not that anyone likes that kind of noise, but I’m not good with noise, sensitivity to loud noise is another common ME/cfs symptom. And I wasn’t feeling great this morning, I was very tired and low energy, additionally the weather was gray and rainy and I was getting a bit grumpy about it all. I decided to go out with my parents (who I’m staying with) to the supermarket, I thought at least sitting in the car in the car park will be better than being in the cottage and putting up with the noise and the headache that was developing. So I took my note pad with me and attempted morning pages in the car, managed about a quarter of a page, wrote the rest when I got back. So today’s morning pages/journalling had a few interruptions, I don’t think that’s the right way to do them, but that’s how things went today. As you can imagine my writing started off a bit negative in tone.
I know I struggle with not being in control of my immediate environment, it makes me anxious and irritable. I have come quite a long way with this in trying to me more accepting of the moment and not building things up negatively in my mind, but sometimes it’s still there, it can still be triggered. So these were my thoughts which led to me thinking about being ill and trying not to be negative or go into victim thinking around it, but I also need to acknowledge that sometimes somedays are hard. I also wrote about how I mask my symptoms a lot and why that is; to be acceptable, as a defence mechanism, pride? I wrote about how I mask my symptoms at work because at the end of the day I need to be performing my role. Then worries about returning to work in September crept back in, the way it uses the majority of my energy, the migraines I get after work, the way I prioritise things that are necessities and have little energy left for things I enjoy or are my personal interests. So yes, quite a bit of negative stuff came out in my writing today.
After I had some lunch, I felt quite a bit better and tackled today’s painting challenge. I painted the right page first, which seems to be my habit. I wet the page with a large brush then applied the paint with a palette knife. I was drawn to using red and black, which made a kind of brown like dried blood. On the left page I used the same colours and small brush strokes building up the painting almost from dots. I added some more shades of red and pink. By this time the demolition work had finished, the sun came out and it seemed like a completely different kind of day.
I know I struggle with not being in control of my immediate environment, it makes me anxious and irritable. I have come quite a long way with this in trying to me more accepting of the moment and not building things up negatively in my mind, but sometimes it’s still there, it can still be triggered. So these were my thoughts which led to me thinking about being ill and trying not to be negative or go into victim thinking around it, but I also need to acknowledge that sometimes somedays are hard. I also wrote about how I mask my symptoms a lot and why that is; to be acceptable, as a defence mechanism, pride? I wrote about how I mask my symptoms at work because at the end of the day I need to be performing my role. Then worries about returning to work in September crept back in, the way it uses the majority of my energy, the migraines I get after work, the way I prioritise things that are necessities and have little energy left for things I enjoy or are my personal interests. So yes, quite a bit of negative stuff came out in my writing today.
After I had some lunch, I felt quite a bit better and tackled today’s painting challenge. I painted the right page first, which seems to be my habit. I wet the page with a large brush then applied the paint with a palette knife. I was drawn to using red and black, which made a kind of brown like dried blood. On the left page I used the same colours and small brush strokes building up the painting almost from dots. I added some more shades of red and pink. By this time the demolition work had finished, the sun came out and it seemed like a completely different kind of day.
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