Day 22 - Thursday already

I only just finished painting about half an hour ago and it nearly 9pm. So I’m a bit mentally tired for post writing this evening. I shall give it a try. My journal this morning was mostly like a conversation with myself about general chit chat and stuff that’s on my mind. Then I started to write about feeling like I’d like to feel a bit more glamorous at the moment, just little things like painting my nails and a few new clothes. This led me to a familiar discussion with myself about not knowing what I want to look like or what to choose to wear. I feel a bit left out of high street fashion at the moment, I think this is a combination of my age and of being ill for the last four years.

I realised that like a lot of things, I’ve been making myself feel wrong for my choice of clothes. For example I often feel I should dress more ‘like a grown up’ or more professionally especially at work. Or I feel I should dress more fashionably or more like ‘a creative person’. I did study fashion and textiles at university and I have a collection of fashion theory books from a time when I wrote about the cultural aspects of fashion for my MA. When I was younger Saturdays were mostly spent wondering around the shops looking at clothes. I guess I feel I’ve been failing at fashion when I really shouldn’t be. That’s a statement I could apply to other areas of my life. So yet again I’ve been making myself ‘wrong’ for my own choices and about my appearance. Had a realisation that this is not a good place for someone to authenticity express themselves from or even to know or make choices about the things that they like. Hopefully I can now approach this with more self awareness.

I did my painting in three stages today, I did some late afternoon, then had a rest, did a bit more before dinner, then felt it needed more doing to it to be properly finished so continued which is why I finished late. (That’s probably a terrible sentence with terrible punctuation, right now I don’t care.) I painted wavy lines and loops across both pages in green and turquoise. Later I filled in with greens, blues and greys using white paint to lighten the colours. I painted in a more controlled and calm way today taking more time over it. The photo was taken in electric light so the colours aren’t quite true. I also did the first part of the painting listening to music, which I haven’t done up until now. I don’t know if this had any effect on the outcome. Images below.