So it was a blogging fail the last two days of this project that I set myself for August, it’s now September 1st. It is not a complete project fail though as I did manage to journal and paint both days. I have good excuses I promise! Sort of. On Friday 30th I went to a party 🥳, a work colleague is retiring and had a leaving party, as he is the sort of work colleague it has been a pleasure to know and a privilege to work with, I wanted to go (hope he doesn’t read this - being far too nice there, ruin my reputation). So anyway I went because I also wanted to see some other people I knew would be there and say hello before the mania of a new college term starts on Monday when I’m back at work.
I don’t do much socially, I’m an introvert with life long social anxiety plus now I have chronic fatigue syndrome which means I have to pace my activities and energy, I am unable to tolerate alcohol since becoming unwell (weird but real ME/CFS symptom number 1578), I don’t tolerate loud noise well, bright lights hurt my eyes, I have various complex dietary requirements so I’m an all round social fun disaster really. But after a day of feeling anxious and having a wardrobe crisis of nothing suitable to wear, except one blue dress which I was worried about being too short but was at least comfortable, and shoes I last wore 3 years ago at my brother’s wedding and my car battery then dying when I got in the car, I actually enjoyed myself. Yep I actually had a nice time, coped pretty well, hung out with some nice and interesting people, who I don’t get to spend much time with at work because of schedules and timetables and those kinds of things, I even did some dancing. Have I paid for this, oh yes because I’ve had a two day headache, pain in my eyes, earache some fatigue but actually not too bad. PEM (post exertional malaise) can get you a few days later so fingers crossed for Monday and Tuesday at work everyone!
So that’s my excuse for not blogging the last two days, party and post party headache (I drank only water btw). My pre party journalling was pretty negative in mood actually, I think I get negative when I have something I’m anxious about and not sure if I can cope with. Old fashioned social anxiety is bad enough but when you haven’t been able to rely on your ability to do things or cope with things or feel well enough in any given moment, that’s a new added level of anxiety and second guessing. I believe this is sometimes called ME thinking and it’s hard to break out of because you’ve developed it as a way to cope with the illness, restricting activities, diet, expenditure of energy in general, avoiding situations that are too much in some way, too much energy required, too over stimulating on the delicate nervous system. My post party journalling was mostly processing the event and my feelings around it, although I had a shocking headache yesterday that still hasn’t quite gone, I feel that going out was worth it. It was nice to feel almost like a ‘normal person’ for a few hours. Yes I was exhausted afterwards and I didn’t sleep well and it exacerbated my symptoms, I felt like it was a momentary escape from the cage and I think sometimes we need reminders of why we need to not give up on the things that are worth escaping it for.
Painting the last two days has maybe not been my main focus but I still painted something. Day 30’s painting is this,
I don’t do much socially, I’m an introvert with life long social anxiety plus now I have chronic fatigue syndrome which means I have to pace my activities and energy, I am unable to tolerate alcohol since becoming unwell (weird but real ME/CFS symptom number 1578), I don’t tolerate loud noise well, bright lights hurt my eyes, I have various complex dietary requirements so I’m an all round social fun disaster really. But after a day of feeling anxious and having a wardrobe crisis of nothing suitable to wear, except one blue dress which I was worried about being too short but was at least comfortable, and shoes I last wore 3 years ago at my brother’s wedding and my car battery then dying when I got in the car, I actually enjoyed myself. Yep I actually had a nice time, coped pretty well, hung out with some nice and interesting people, who I don’t get to spend much time with at work because of schedules and timetables and those kinds of things, I even did some dancing. Have I paid for this, oh yes because I’ve had a two day headache, pain in my eyes, earache some fatigue but actually not too bad. PEM (post exertional malaise) can get you a few days later so fingers crossed for Monday and Tuesday at work everyone!
So that’s my excuse for not blogging the last two days, party and post party headache (I drank only water btw). My pre party journalling was pretty negative in mood actually, I think I get negative when I have something I’m anxious about and not sure if I can cope with. Old fashioned social anxiety is bad enough but when you haven’t been able to rely on your ability to do things or cope with things or feel well enough in any given moment, that’s a new added level of anxiety and second guessing. I believe this is sometimes called ME thinking and it’s hard to break out of because you’ve developed it as a way to cope with the illness, restricting activities, diet, expenditure of energy in general, avoiding situations that are too much in some way, too much energy required, too over stimulating on the delicate nervous system. My post party journalling was mostly processing the event and my feelings around it, although I had a shocking headache yesterday that still hasn’t quite gone, I feel that going out was worth it. It was nice to feel almost like a ‘normal person’ for a few hours. Yes I was exhausted afterwards and I didn’t sleep well and it exacerbated my symptoms, I felt like it was a momentary escape from the cage and I think sometimes we need reminders of why we need to not give up on the things that are worth escaping it for.
Painting the last two days has maybe not been my main focus but I still painted something. Day 30’s painting is this,
Maybe it reflects my scattered mind and inability to focus. I started with a background of yellows, on the left I used the palette knife, on the right, the large flat brush. When this had dried I built up other layers of colours.
Day 31’s painting was this,
I feel like this was more doodling with paint, it doesn’t feel like a ‘proper’ painting but perhaps it’s a breakthrough in itself to just be ok with that.
I feel like I should have some conclusions to make now this is the end of my self imposed challenge. I have definitely learned about myself. It is amazing what insights come up and thought patterns processed when you make yourself aware of them through writing. I have always been reluctant to journal whenever it’s been recommended to me in the past, but it truly is an amazing tool which I will continue to use, maybe not everyday though. Has it made me more creative? I’m not sure, certainly no plots for novels cropped up, not yet anyway. I think Julia Cameron says something about you can’t help but be confronted with yourself on the page and I think that’s true.
I’m not sure where the painting has taken me, I feel like this isn’t a journey that is complete yet, maybe it’s just starting. I have had a few ideas in terms of how I can link it with my creative practice in the future, I’m still forming these in my head at the moment. What I think has been significant for me during this process is the questions it has raised for me about creativity as a process, creativity as an access point for or a channel of intuition, the connection of intuition to a spiritual sense of self, creativity and intuition as having a role in a healing process and expanding that into self individualisation and self knowledge as well as physical and emotional healing. I don’t have answers to these questions but I have found an area of interest that I believe my ideas, especially my creative ones, are going to persue from here.
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